To blog or not to blog?

[my old keyboard, with faded letters on most keys]

Blogging is a trend. And I obviously jumped into the band wagon a long time ago. Late 2003 or sometime early 2004 was the start for my personal Livejournal. It was (and still is) my place where to vent about how much little events in my everyday life sucks, things and people that annoy me or sometimes about things that make my days better. Most of the time, I end up blabbering about a song, an album or an artist, posting a review and pictures of concerts I've been to or tell the world how much fun I had with some friends. It's all about showing details no one could care about to people who may not even know a single thing about me. Why? Because it feels good to let things out, even if it's made public. It's the internet anyway so who reads and actually remembers what they've read about after they changed website?

Late 2005 made Blogger become bigger and a more appreciated place where to blog. So as I first registered to be able to comment on a friend's blog, I decided I may as well use the account for its first purpose. SilentBlurbs was born. A blog were I tend to type in some thoughts I have about anything, sometimes starting off from a quote, sometimes the quote comes after the whole reflection's over. It's like a journey through my troubled mind ["but who doesn't have a troubled mind, after all?" <- see, there's always at least one quote on these posts; this one being from a friend I quote all too often, I guess. But she's the one I talk to the most, it seems, so it makes sense]. The whole path from an idea to another may seem hectic or strange, but that's the way things happen in my head. Since blogger is so easy to use and to customize [freedom for that matter is very enjoyable! Especially for an amateur webmaster like I] I kept on the reflection onto what else to blog about. Music came to mind. Because it's what makes me find the strength to get up in the mornings. Knowing there'll be some nice sounds to play, meaningful lyrics I wish I had written, melodies to move my feet or my mind, touch my head and simply make me feel alive. And since music has always been about sharing [at least, to me] I intend to make this blog a community-like thing. It's only starting for now but everyone's welcome, a good music taste is required, but we can only judge from that once you've posted something, I guess. If you're randomly interested in music, you can bookmark the URL : Of Genius Sounds, wait for it to really start and then add your suggestions to the thing.

And you, why do YOU blog?

From needs to insomnia.

"sometimes I wish I could give you the things you need
but obviously I can't
and that's what makes me sad sometimes"

[my dearest friend aus .de]

Those lines popped up in a chat session yesterday and they actually kept on walking around my brain since then. I know how they were meant but it had me think. What is it that we really need?

> Air to breathe
> Water to keep up the 80%+ H2o level in our bodies
> Food to have the whole human body metabolism work properly
> Warmth, too

Is there really something else? Basically, no. But society makes it more complicated. Air is for free but you can't any of the rest if you don't have another resource called : money. That makes the world go round nowadays, like nature lost its power over the daily rotation of planet earth. But as wisemen always said it : money doesn't grow on trees, so to earn it, you need a job. Therefor you first need an education and a face that fits in the "standards" of the society. Or you need some good luck.

I won't let this go on to become a rant about society and how much I despise the whole capitalism issue. Because it's an endless thing, anyway. And somehow you can't live completely out of it.

Sometimes I wish life would come back down to something simple, like when you're a kid, you laugh at so many things easily, you learn basic knowledge, you don't really have to worry about what's next, what people will think about you or anything that makes adults so stressed and rushed all the time. The other day I was told : "you're not growing up, are you?", and honestly if I could drop all responsabilities now even just for one day, I'd do it. I feel like I never had a real childhood, as if I grew up so fast I jumped over life stages and unfortunately, there's no turning back.

"If I could have one wish I sure wish that
I had never grown up
I got a picture of the way I looked when I was three
I came out laughing, screaming, dancing
I used to be free spirited
now I'm just free of sleep..."

[Tegan and Sara - More For Me]

Feelings.

[2006 April 16th - around 06pm on the highway between the Belgian border and Lille, France. Taken while driving at a 120km/h speed]

Sometimes it's necessary to take some distance to see what's actually happening. Like to appreciate a good painting you have to stand away from it and take enough time to observ every tiny detail that's on there.

Driving away from what's supposed to be home has been nothing but benefits to me these past 10 days. Either it be taking the train to Paris or driving 5 hours+ to a small village in Germany, it was just the best that could happen. When arriving near the specific village it felt like coming home. It's weird considering I've been there only four times and never stayed over there longer than 3 days. But that's what filled my whole self as the scenery was painting itself in front of me.

Spending time with people who know me from a totally different point of view than the one the people from my "real" home use is freeing. It's like a huge bowl of fresh air, brand new batteries or simple bliss. Something desperately needed every once in a while in order to keep up with this thing called life.

Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't understand or know me. Or they don't want to try and do so. They only see what they want to see and try to push me where they want me to go to. I still remember a chat session when I said "I feel locked in my life" and the reply I got to that line was "But you are, sweetheart" which is so brutally honest it should've hurt like every truth does. And it did, actually. But it didn't give me clues on how to solve the situation.

I guess the oppressing feeling I get when being at home having to answer so many questions I don't feel like responding to is a sign it's more than time for me to move on, move out, move in somewhere else. Whereto? How? I don't know. And my parents aren't ready for that news, anyway. Mum is always talking about how she'll rearrange my sister's room to be mine once she's gone. And it's amusing how she's always complaining when she's got the whole house for herself and Dad for the weekend and all I have to say is : "you know, that's what's supposed to happen sooner or later" but she can't seem to convince herself to let it be.

At least there is one place where I know I feel fine at, that's a comforting enough thought for today. Now I need to build myself another place I'm actually allowed to call my "home".

"So brown eyes, I hold you near
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere..."

[Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body on Plans LP]