Soundtrack

It hurts to feel
It hurts to hear
It hurts to face it
It hurts to hide
It hurts to touch
It hurts to wake up
It hurts to remember
It hurts to hold on

Turn my head

The hurt's relentless
The hurt of emptiness
The hurt of wanting
The hurt of going on
The hurt of missing
The hurt is killing me

Turn my head
Off
Forever
Turn it off
Forever
Off forever
Turn it off forever

Ever blind

Archive - Lights

That's my background song on repeat these last days. An epic 18 minutes+ piece of art that perfectly fits. Brilliant.

Weekend.

While some people spend their weekends looking for furniture, travelling through their country for concerts, spend a couple hours away from home at a friend's place, go to the movies, spend money online or just relax in front of TV, I have been carrying a mobile phone that rings only when the hospital got an emergency and need me to have the blood work done asap. That means I'm half here and half there the whole time. Having to drive to work on Saturday night or Sunday morning isn't the most pleasant thing ever. And the fact that when you leave the house you never know when you can be able to come back keeps a certain tension up.

And that keeps everything that could've been a life at a distance. Strangely enough, I've been distancing myself from a lot of things lately. People, activities, feelings, interests, about everything. I'm just sitting in the backseat, watching what's gonna happen next. I don't want to get involved in things, simple or complicated, it doesn't matter. I'm doing what I'm asked, I'm there if anyone needs me but I won't do more. No extra work, no extra worry, no extra word. I'm not depressed whatsoever, I guess I'm just taking a pause, I don't want to run after time, it's too far ahead these last weeks. Catching up will happen later, eventually.

"silence won't save us
words will not rescue us
but remembrance is the secret of redemption
but it's so damn quiet here
it's so damn quiet here..."

[Clara Luzia - Quiet]

Resolutions

Talking with a friend about her good resolutions for the near future made me realize I may need to stick to some myself.

¤ Save money for future plans like a flat or far away vacations :

> buy less CDs or DVDs
> go to less concerts
> don't plan any road trips (that's a part of the deal I have done already)

¤ Stay out of drama or deal with it better than in the past :

> friends finding their way away is ok, that's how life goes
> all people aren't good, most of them are hypocrites, even
> people change therefor the relationships do, too

¤ Protect myself from an overdose of stress :

> everything that goes wrong at work should be left at work and not dragged back home
> don't go against the 'rents at home, they believe they know better

a poem

the homeopath

the homeopath rubbed my feet and my head
and in her broken english told me i was sad
she held my neck suspended
as if she was water
and i was a leaf.
and the stillness brought on my tears like a fever;
tears for all that had gone and all that would be,
tears for all the searching,
tears for the wooden house by the sea that i see
but to which there is no path,
tears for the motherlove.
and they trickled down the sides of my cheeks
like tiny streams into my ears, forming pools.
i wanted her to stay there forever letting me be weak.
but tonight i will get up and sing my heart out
to ten thousand people.
how funny that that makes me seem strong
when i do it out of need;
the need to feel. whole. to surrender;
and to free the passion.
i think in th eend that is what we all want.
and at the end of the day
when we are tired,
to be a leaf floating on water;
someone to hold us while we cry.

Heather Nova in The Sorrowjoy

Needless to say I had a bad day. I feel like crying or throwing things around. Because the atmosphere at work sucks. And I feel like vacations would be the most welcome thing ever. Even if it's just driving a couple hours to spend another couple hours in a totally different environment. But there aren't enough hours in a day to get around to achieve something good enough.

press play and listen.

In The Margins

such an intent stare
one eye at a time
your talons like fish hooks
you are a rare bird
the kind i wouldn't even mind
writing in the margins of my books

sometimes i see myself
through the eyes of a stray dog
from an alley across the street
and my whole mission just seems so finite
my whole saga just seems so cheap

i mean i know that now is all there is
and love'll just make you cry
so i live for the sight of a rare bird
suddenly flying by

and i meet your stare
one eye at a time
writing in the margins
of my mind

sometimes i see myself
through the eyes of a stray dog
from an alley across the street
and my whole mission just seems so fine
my whole saga just seems so cheap

and that's when your song calls to me
from way up in a tree
and I look up
and the whole world

©2006 Ani DiFranco on the album :

Reprieve

Go out and buy it. Or order it online.
I'm in love with it. You'll be, too.