Communication.

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With the new technologies, communication is supposed to be easier, faster, more enjoyable. Bringing people together. Why does it feel like it has the exact opposite effect? Like too much facility communicating actually kills the relationships, increases the weight of silence and makes everything all way more complicated.

Maybe it's just me taking everything too closely, turning tiny irrelevant details into important causes. Or maybe I let my mood run me way too much. But sometimes it's too much. The same little things all over again, building up stress and annoyance, it has to explode at one moment. And when it shows, people may say "don't be pissed" or "don't get so bothered about it", it's too late. And there's no turning back. There's only an inner fight ahead, probably some time away from anything, more time to focus on myself. Look for answers to unasked questions and non-existing answers to obvious questions. There'll be guilt, ununderstanding, feeling of betrayal and all kinds of states to go through and then it'll be fine again.

And it'll all come full circle and start again. Because life is a never-ending repeating cycle. No matter how far you go into settling to a nice and cozy state of mind, something will come in the game, smash everything around and it'll show strike! on the scoreboard. So you'll work around it, again. And again. And again. You'll hope for change, improvement. It may work out, someday. You'll get in touch with people as before, like nothing ever happened. Enjoy the joys of new technologies, until you have to face the details that killed you in the past.

Never-ending.

I'm tired of all this and somehow I wish I didn't care.

[photo: my actual desktop; quote used on it from Ana Johnsson - We Are]

what's up

lying down on the tiled floor
staring at the ceiling
so imperfectly white
the lines and shadows
millions of imaginary paths

nothing exists anymore
only the sound of the air
inhaled and exhaled
deeply, slowly

and a song
soft guitar playing
nice breathy voice
sweet words to rest the mind
and warm up the soul

the mess around
is representative of this life
vain efforts to keep
some things alive
not much reward, though

blinding light
shelter from the dark
bad thoughts knocking
staring at the ceiling
i am lost here

but i feel safe...

[photo: my ceiling, March 15,2006]

Dreams

"i've got a dream with your face in it
that scares me awake"

[Ani DiFranco - Shy on the album Not A Pretty Girl]

I had to undergo nightmares last night. After the second one - which was kind of being playing Jumanji on a dirty lake and being chased by a crocodile [don't ask, I don't where that came from] - from which I woke up when I fell off the boat, I couldn't get any sleep at all anymore. So I slept about 2 or 3 hours and that was it.

Why do we get to dream at all? It's said we dream a lot of different things the whole night through (or at least at certain times of the sleep cycle) but only remember a few. What decides whether we'll remember a dream and not another? What makes that we sometimes have pleasant dreams and at some other times they're just nasty and bad? I must have stressed about going back to work last night and it brought some weird nightmare with everything going wrong with me and having the boss that always wears a sly smile on his face bash me like never before. But the second nightmare is still a huge mystery to me.

The night before was totally different. With cool dreams of having fun with some people and one about a cuddle (from which I woke up sad seeing I was just hugging my pillow). Is there necessarily a reason why we go from a nice night to a very bad one? From positive unconscious thoughts to very dark ones? Or is it just so very random no one can ever explain it really? It's fascinating to me.

Somehow I wish I had the answers to my questions but at the same time it wouldn't be much fun anymore to know how it works. The déjà-vu feeling has always impressed me, too. Especially at some point of my adolescence when I had so many of those times previsualized in dreams that I could tell what would happen a few seconds before. It stopped. Or maybe it was simply all in my head.

The most ironical thing about this : random play in the car this morning brought : Silent Revolution - Dreaming.

"Don't stop dreaming your life
'Cause life's there for dreaming
And dreaming is for free.
[...] Don't stop dreaming and never wake up"

It never fitted better than today.

[photo: my tiny Dreamcatcher, which obviously doesn't work quite as well as it should]

can you buy happiness?

"You shouldn't have started working in your early twenties. You should have kept on studying. You were such a fast learner, you could have a way better position than you do."

How not feel like a failure when you're being told that? Actually, I didn't feel bad. There's truth in the fact that I could have a way better position with more years of studies, but I don't think my actual job is bad. I like this job, a lot. So what's more important? Earn a lot with a job you may not feel all fine with or have a job that sure pays less but makes you feel useful, for some reason? I'd go for the second one.

People always had big plans for my future carreer. My parents, or my mum specifically, though I suspect my dad to care more in his silence; my sister, who guided me through every school changes; my teachers, who'd fight over what way I should take : science or letters? I chose science, because that's what I liked the most. Now I wonder what it had been like if I had chosen languages or something along this line.

I would be somewhere totally else in my life, I guess. Would it be necessarily better, though? I like my life as it is now (for the most parts), so why think about a hypothetical dream life that actually would not fit the dream image? I'll stick to working this life I got out. Taking the best out of it, walking through the harsh times with my head up high in the end, stronger than ever before, accept the nice opportunities I'm given, simply try to actually live.

I don't have regrets for my past choices, they made me the person I am today. And you know what? I believe I'm a good person in this twisted world. I'll keep my strength focused on getting even better, not on becoming someone else other people would want me to be. You can voice your opinions about my words or deeds but don't try to handle me. I have free will and I'm going to use it.

[quote: my grandma / image: google search]

Pretending

"why don't you wear those kinda clothes or shoes instead of having the same style all over again, day after day?"

I don't even bother trying to have my point across when being asked that question. I wear my jean's and skate shoes because I feel good in them. That's the real me at the moment. I'm not going to wear clothes that make me feel uncomfortable just to please people who expect other to fit in the "normal" way of being or whatever. I'd feel like wearing a carnival suit all year long. People tend to like to dress up in disguise and pretend they're someone else. That's a natural tendency. But we actually do that every single day. Depending on who's around, we have different reactions to the same factors, different answers to the same questions, different masks to wear. Some days you'll laugh to the jokes you don't think are funny, pretend you get along with that person to simply keep the atmosphere bearable enough to keep on surviving, but you'll end up bashing the same one whenever someone starts about them.

Hypocrisy. We all despise it, but we cultivate it. Paradox.

I lost track of my own thoughts, so this has to be shortened. Probably more about it some other time.

[quote : mum / photo : venice carnival, found on some google search]