Spying.

No matter what you do or where you go on the internet, you're being traced down. At first it's a scary statement, like you're not free to do whatever you want anymore. It's not like Freedom is a concept that's randomly protected or applied anyway.

But passed that fact, I somehow develop an interest into spying people on the net. Who checks my blogs, what pages of my websites are the most attractive, how long are the visits. Nothing really bad. But once you get started, you look for new ways to know more about your friends' habits and see that now there are some spying means people agree on working with. Registering a forum, accepting to be part of the Last.fm community [which I really like] and so on. So when you thought people would fight for their freedom, they just give it up and let the whole world spy on them freely.

I'm exaggerating, but I'm crazy about knowing when people showed up online, how long they stayed connected and everything else that can be gathered through just little tools. That's what you get when you're bored and almost full-time online with just one person to entertain you.

"every tool is a weapon
if you hold it right"

[Ani DiFranco - My I.Q.]

Longing.

"You seem happy. You're in love?"

When a co-worker asked me that last week, I looked at her for a split second and replied with a neutral "no". I could've told her I'm neither happy nor in love but she sure would have commented on how I play Calimero all the time. I don't complain full-time, I hardly even complain, to be honest. Except on my blogs, but that's what they are for.

So no, I'm not in love. But that line actually made me look on the feelings side of my existence. I noticed something that actually made me kind of sad. There always used to be someone of interest, someone to run after, long for, make plans about even though unreachable but there was this little light evolving around. But lately, even that is gone. It's like I've gone empty. No daydream, no wondering, no small talk to evaluate the chances, no nothing. Because no matter how often this only leads to nothing particularly exciting, it's fun.

At the same time, I'm not particularly looking for anyone or anything at all. Because you find things when you're not searching, right? Right. As if.

I only end up longing for the ghost of a memory...

"If there's nothing else to stop us on our way
Tell me why, pourquoi ne pouvons-nous jamais être aimés?"

[Slut - Why, Pourquoi?]

[picture: screencap from the Tegan and Sara video for Walking With A Ghost]

Obsessions

Sometimes there are things that enter my everyday life and won't leave before some time has passed me by. Because I'm going through a weird emotional time, had a fight with someone important or just out of some too random reason for me to consciously know it.

Lately my musical obsession is Poe - Walk The Walk. That song plays on repeat in my car. It's not the latest hit on the radio, it's actually a relatively old song (from the nineties, can you imagine that?) but somehow it never gets old (just like everything by Poe, I'm amazed everytime I listen to her works). It's one of those too rare songs that will fit every mood I can ever be in. Incredible. I guess I somehow need something to cheer me up lately (not well aware why) or if not cheering me up, at least give me hope for what's ahead or just a rush of positive energy. Because yes, a song can do that.

I do have another obsession to confess about : Grey's Anatomy. Not only does this series have a good plot, good writing, good actors, an amazing soundtrack (including Tegan and Sara, The Ditty Bops, Emiliana Torrini, Metric and many other great bands) but the guest stars on there are pretty cool, too. To only name a few : Rosanna Arquette, Christina Ricci, Callum Blue or Leisha Hailey. This series simply keeps me from doing whatever more productive things I'm supposed to be doing. It's just one of those phases, I'm sorry for the ones that expect anything from me. It should get better once I'm done with season two.

Maybe I'll simply find something else to obsess over, though.

"Hey did you ever get the feeling that it's really a joke
You think you've got it figured out and then you find that you don't
So you say goodbye to the world and now you're floating in space
You got no sense of nothing not even a time or a place
Then suddenly you hear it it's the beat of your heart
And for the first time in your life you know your life is about to start

I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum..."

[Poe - Walk The Walk]