Thoughts

[no picture cause blogger doesn't let me add one]

Tomorrow'll be a one week anniversary for my computer-less situation. Getting some forced time off makes you think. Strangely enough, time flies by way slower when you don't have your favourite communication way available and you're left with yourself, some CDs, the darkness of your room, your cellphone, the rest of your everyday life and your overwhelming thoughts.

In those moments you get to think about stuff that happened, is happening, may happen or won't. So many plans get into your head you don't even really know how you went from one simple thought to the overly complicated explanation you found for a tiny little bugging detail. You turn the level for your stereo higher, in hope to cover up the buzzing noise of your thoughts. Trying to keep some clarity in your already close to insanity soul.

At some point you happen to think about those people you miss because you don't get any news from them and they're so very far away you can't happen to simply drop by and hang out with them. Then comes to you the question "why?". Why don't you get any news? Why don't they seem to care? Why do you still care so very much? Why do you drive yourself sick about it all? And most of all : Was there something you did that made them take their distance from you? Often there are no direct answers to those interrogations. Because you actually can't know by yourself. Yet you feel bad, kinda guilty for whatever that may have happened, no matter if reality is that you aren't responsible and these people only chose to walk away for a while.

It's like undergoing the bad mood mixed with silent treatment from your mother. She asks you "what is it with you?" because you're kinda staring at her with your interrogative looks and she follows your reply with "no one ever asks me what it is with me, anyway. So why do I even bother?". You think the day over again, trying to catch the thing that made her say that to you. Taking things for yourself, because you've always been blamed for everything for the past 23 years of your existence. Only later in the evening you'll know that even though it sounded like she had something against you, it was only disappointment over your sibling. For their more obvious than ever selfishness and careless-about-others attitude.

Seeing tears in the eyes of the one that gave you life for such a reason is hard, let me tell you. Not that I was surprised because I've always claimed how the situation would turn but I wasn't heard. That's how things go.

"If you could step into my head,
tell me would you still know me
If you woke up in my bed,
tell me then would you hold me
Or would you simply let it lie,
leaving me to wonder why
I can't get you out of this head
I call mine"

[3 Doors Down - So I Need You]

Breaking links.

Give and take. That's the basis of every relationship. Either it be a kind hello/goodbye to your co-workers, sharing jokes, music, adventures, plans, ideas, gifts or anything that's benefit-like to both parts in the end. It has to be balanced to be of real interest to everyone. But sometimes the balance tends to be twisted. And the one giving out too much is the one feeling left out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm holding on to the wrong ones. Trying to keep things together while there's only very little reward considering the efforts I put into it. Maybe it's a matter of having the right expectations, or no expectations at all. Or perhaps interpretation, like some words will make you feel important but it's only because you wanted them to sound like it and you're actually just another random acquaintance. So you witness things happening around, without you being chosen to be a real part of it all for any reason there must be - wrong location, no funds, different mood or any other excuse. You'll then wander around, lurking, craving for some attention you'll eventually get until they turn around to the one who's nicer, funnier, closer or whatever. Losing it again.

No matter how much you give to have some relationships to work out, you'll always be the one overrating it compared to the one on the other end of the link. It's unfair but that's the way it is. Because every single person's got a different perspective over things, different expectations, a different background and different habits on how to deal with things.

There are times when you want to end it all. Walk away, change your number, simply disappear. To see what happens next. To see what doesn't change. Get a new perspective on all the relationships you tried to build from nothing, settled with them to only find out they're crumbling down around you and there's nothing much more you can do about it than feel helpless because you actually did all you had to for things to work but it got wasted. But at the same time, something deep down prevents you from making the move, giving up has never been your style. Though you're well aware it's slowly having a part of you suffocate to death.

Paralyzed.

"I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way

then a phone call made me realize

I'm wrong..."

[Our Lady Peace - 4am]