Breaking links.

Give and take. That's the basis of every relationship. Either it be a kind hello/goodbye to your co-workers, sharing jokes, music, adventures, plans, ideas, gifts or anything that's benefit-like to both parts in the end. It has to be balanced to be of real interest to everyone. But sometimes the balance tends to be twisted. And the one giving out too much is the one feeling left out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm holding on to the wrong ones. Trying to keep things together while there's only very little reward considering the efforts I put into it. Maybe it's a matter of having the right expectations, or no expectations at all. Or perhaps interpretation, like some words will make you feel important but it's only because you wanted them to sound like it and you're actually just another random acquaintance. So you witness things happening around, without you being chosen to be a real part of it all for any reason there must be - wrong location, no funds, different mood or any other excuse. You'll then wander around, lurking, craving for some attention you'll eventually get until they turn around to the one who's nicer, funnier, closer or whatever. Losing it again.

No matter how much you give to have some relationships to work out, you'll always be the one overrating it compared to the one on the other end of the link. It's unfair but that's the way it is. Because every single person's got a different perspective over things, different expectations, a different background and different habits on how to deal with things.

There are times when you want to end it all. Walk away, change your number, simply disappear. To see what happens next. To see what doesn't change. Get a new perspective on all the relationships you tried to build from nothing, settled with them to only find out they're crumbling down around you and there's nothing much more you can do about it than feel helpless because you actually did all you had to for things to work but it got wasted. But at the same time, something deep down prevents you from making the move, giving up has never been your style. Though you're well aware it's slowly having a part of you suffocate to death.

Paralyzed.

"I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way

then a phone call made me realize

I'm wrong..."

[Our Lady Peace - 4am]