Feelings.
[2006 April 16th - around 06pm on the highway between the Belgian border and Lille, France. Taken while driving at a 120km/h speed]
Sometimes it's necessary to take some distance to see what's actually happening. Like to appreciate a good painting you have to stand away from it and take enough time to observ every tiny detail that's on there.
Driving away from what's supposed to be home has been nothing but benefits to me these past 10 days. Either it be taking the train to Paris or driving 5 hours+ to a small village in Germany, it was just the best that could happen. When arriving near the specific village it felt like coming home. It's weird considering I've been there only four times and never stayed over there longer than 3 days. But that's what filled my whole self as the scenery was painting itself in front of me.
Spending time with people who know me from a totally different point of view than the one the people from my "real" home use is freeing. It's like a huge bowl of fresh air, brand new batteries or simple bliss. Something desperately needed every once in a while in order to keep up with this thing called life.
Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't understand or know me. Or they don't want to try and do so. They only see what they want to see and try to push me where they want me to go to. I still remember a chat session when I said "I feel locked in my life" and the reply I got to that line was "But you are, sweetheart" which is so brutally honest it should've hurt like every truth does. And it did, actually. But it didn't give me clues on how to solve the situation.
I guess the oppressing feeling I get when being at home having to answer so many questions I don't feel like responding to is a sign it's more than time for me to move on, move out, move in somewhere else. Whereto? How? I don't know. And my parents aren't ready for that news, anyway. Mum is always talking about how she'll rearrange my sister's room to be mine once she's gone. And it's amusing how she's always complaining when she's got the whole house for herself and Dad for the weekend and all I have to say is : "you know, that's what's supposed to happen sooner or later" but she can't seem to convince herself to let it be.
At least there is one place where I know I feel fine at, that's a comforting enough thought for today. Now I need to build myself another place I'm actually allowed to call my "home".
Driving away from what's supposed to be home has been nothing but benefits to me these past 10 days. Either it be taking the train to Paris or driving 5 hours+ to a small village in Germany, it was just the best that could happen. When arriving near the specific village it felt like coming home. It's weird considering I've been there only four times and never stayed over there longer than 3 days. But that's what filled my whole self as the scenery was painting itself in front of me.
Spending time with people who know me from a totally different point of view than the one the people from my "real" home use is freeing. It's like a huge bowl of fresh air, brand new batteries or simple bliss. Something desperately needed every once in a while in order to keep up with this thing called life.
Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't understand or know me. Or they don't want to try and do so. They only see what they want to see and try to push me where they want me to go to. I still remember a chat session when I said "I feel locked in my life" and the reply I got to that line was "But you are, sweetheart" which is so brutally honest it should've hurt like every truth does. And it did, actually. But it didn't give me clues on how to solve the situation.
I guess the oppressing feeling I get when being at home having to answer so many questions I don't feel like responding to is a sign it's more than time for me to move on, move out, move in somewhere else. Whereto? How? I don't know. And my parents aren't ready for that news, anyway. Mum is always talking about how she'll rearrange my sister's room to be mine once she's gone. And it's amusing how she's always complaining when she's got the whole house for herself and Dad for the weekend and all I have to say is : "you know, that's what's supposed to happen sooner or later" but she can't seem to convince herself to let it be.
At least there is one place where I know I feel fine at, that's a comforting enough thought for today. Now I need to build myself another place I'm actually allowed to call my "home".
"So brown eyes, I hold you near
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere..."
'Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere..."
[Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body on Plans LP]
posted by silent_genius at 1:16 PM
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