Changes.

"Colors change and people change
And I'm busy handling the remote..."

[Sarah Bettens - Don't Let Me Drag You Down]

Sometimes you make friends with the most unexpected people, the least expected way. Sometimes you dislike the person at first but get closer to them some day because something in the air changed. On the other hand, the opposite also happens, you feel like you've met someone who could be one of your best friends ever and one fine day everything vanishes for some reason. They just walk away.

So you're left with your interrogations, your guilt - eventhough deep inside you're not responsible for whatever pushed them away - your will to understand, the void that appeared in your life and in yourself. But maybe there's nothing to understand, no answers to your questions and nothing that will ever fill this void. All that's left are the memories. You try to keep the sweet ones alive in your head, though it may hurt when you think about it all over again. And then you happen to even think it'd be easier if you could forget about everything, but life is about joys and pains, you need both to enjoy the positive side of things.

Then you look around you and see other familiar faces. Despite your moods or anything that may have happened, they're there for you. Of course no one can replace one another but it's comforting. You know these ones won't let you down, and that's the best thought/feeling in the world. You wish you knew how to show your gratitude but there's no way to express it to its right level, so you just don't say anything as of now but will tell the right words when they happen to come to mind.

"You jumped in a cab and left me standing still on the sidewalk
Familiar faces came around to walk me back home..."

[myself - random line that popped up in my head in the middle of another sleepless night]

Trust

[photo: unknown source. sorry.]

Trust.

I am part of those people who don't give their trust easily to new people. At least, I believe I am so. When I look back on my past experience, it may not be so, actually. What makes us actually trust people from the internet? I've always been told I shouldn't trust anyone on there because they are freaks or whatever. But I'm on there too, and am I a freak? Then yeah, I probably am one, as well. So why a freak couldn't put her trust on another freak? That's a twist, I admit. But let's face it, normal people happen to wander around on the net. Anyway, when someone tries to leave some of their feelings out on some chat session, there's a high chance I'll put them on perspective and actually try and believe what they're saying. That's trust. And that's what's supposed to be between friends, even e-friends. But lately I got the proof that some people don't have the same definition for friendship and when they asked my opinion about whatever subject, they had to have this information I gave checked to some other friend of mine they knew.

I'm probably blowing things out of proportions again, but I believe this is a proof that this person does not have any trust in my sayings, even when I'm straight down honest about my feelings or my opinions. Should I even try to prove what I said or simply let it be? Acting as I don't even know they questioned me may come as an option but that's being hypocritical and I'm forcing myself not to be that whenever I can avoid it.

So now the next question is : Have I been trusting some people too much? Somehow, I think so, but I can't define it for sure. I guess the idealist in me tends to take over the realistic one at times and blur my notions of good and bad and then I'm hooked. By the time I get to realize it (if ever), it's way too late already. Well, someday I might stop letting people use me and wear me out so freely and rebel against the whole process.

Maybe.

February 14th.

"Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap. " [Joel [as voiceover] in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.]

I agree on the part about Valentine's day being invented by greeting card companies. That's what this day is all about anyway, along with chocolate boxes or flowers, restaurants as well, probably. Where's the love in that? There's nothing like a good surprise, a spontaneous invitation to go out or a little attention that brightens up the day of a significant other. It's all just predictable. And if you ever happen to forget the date, it's the biggest mistake ever. That's crap.

Love is about connection, it's about sharing. Of course this can happen on Valentine's day but why make a fuss out of it while it should also happen on every of the other 364 days of the year? Maybe it's just me. But if you have a significant other, you have to show you care each time you get the occasion to do so, not just the day you're expected to. If you need a special day to remember to be kind and sweet to your significant other, maybe they aren't that significant to you, after all.

Not having anyone to celebrate this with, it could be pointed out I may not be the best to talk about it. But I like to think about things even though I can't actually live them this very moment.
And to all the ones trying to show off the crazy original plans they have for this day as to prove they're better than anyone else, it doesn't get to me. I'll spend tonight on my own, in front of the computer, with the cellphone from work, ready to go back there anytime of the night. I don't feel bad about it, even.

Happy Valentine's to anyone reading this and celebrating it, though.