Lonely in a group..

"I tried hard to stick with my lost and only friend
Don't give me the silent treatment again
If somebody wants me...Here I am
If somebody needs me...Here I am
If you can't find me...Here I am
Don't you deny me...Here I am..."

[Venus in Flames - Silent Treatment]

I never did well around many people. You know those times when you're surrounded by faces, people chatting with each other about anything and you just don't know what to say or do for them to notice you're actually there and trying to actually be there, if you know what I mean. I often end up feeling like I don't belong there. Like I'm not interesting enough for those people to care or at least fake they're listening.

There are worse situations, though. The one I hate the most being when I do handle a one on one conversation pretty well with someone and then somebody pops in and grabs all the attention and I'm left out in no time. It makes me feel worthless and miserable.

I guess it's just a matter of self-esteem, but the repeating situations just corroborate my root feeling about things. So I guess it's not going to get any better soon.

People have preferences among their friends, that's for sure. And I seem to never win on that matter.

[photo ©Tomek Wysopal 2005 "loneliness"]

Life is waiting for you...

What is it that makes human beings look for some significant other to live their life with? Is it just a remaining part of the whole instinct of reproduction or just because there's something about humans that makes them unable to live on their own? Have to admit you can rarely afford to live all alone and yet have all the comfort you'd like and be totally happy. Nowadays, life is designed to be lived as a pair. Who decides about that? And what makes us go with the flow and look for that one to walk with on the path, either for a short time or forever?

Is there really somebody for everyone, after all? Or are some people meant to find the one and some other just supposed to keep looking until they lose hope or narrow their criteria so much about anyone could fit in? I don't know what to think about it all. I'm not really looking for anyone but at the same time the idea of sharing special events of this short life looks attractive.

I never really had many friends, at least not before I reached age 18, which isn't that long ago, so I'm still learning how to open up and interact, with clumsiness all over. And when it comes down the special friends, it's always been about falling for the one that'll show some interest at first and then turn to some other one they've been seeing at the same time. Making me feel miserable, worthless or simply boring. I guess you learn from the mistakes, wrong choices and so; but can you actually teach your heart not to fall so fast that there's no turning back other than breaking it up into little pieces?


"Yes, life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side. But that companion can be just about anyone...
...A neighbour on the other side of the street...
...Or the man on the other side of the bed...
...The companion can be a mother with good intentions...
...Or a child who is up to no good...
...Still despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way and our journey will become unbearable...
...You see, human beings are designed for many things. But loneliness is not one of them."

Desperate Housewives - Season 1, episode 19 "Live Alone & Like It"

1 + 1 = 2 halves ?

Couples acting as couples in public annoy me.

I guess I'm just jealous I can't do the same... *sigh*

[cute photo: unknown source, was found on some google search some time ago]

Things always end up fading away...

What makes that we happen to miss something and long so much for it for what seems forever and one day this longing simply stops? Is it just that there's a deadline to every desire to be fullfilled and they expire when the delay takes too long? I only have questions about this all. And my observations that some longing I had for some things has just disappeared. Just like certain feelings I made huge efforts in favour of keeping them alive in me, replaying the movie of that very moment again and again in my head, the position, the music, the light, the soft smell, the scenery, the warmth, every little detail, carefully collected in my head to be able to re-live it over and over again. Because it was that wonderful. But I worn the tape out, I guess. Wanting something so much that it goes even further away from you. And now it's gone so far that it's out of sight.

Somehow this could be a sign that it's time to take a step ahead, in a new direction. Keep in mind that feeling alive happened in the past and will certainly happen again, sooner or later, providing I keep my eyes wide open for possibilities and catch them before it's all too late.

"Where can I run to, where can I hide
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind..."

[K's Choice - VIrgin State Of Mind]

Quoting myself...because I have my pretentious moments

"I'm an idealist with no idea what her ideal is"

That line once popped up in my head a few months ago. I don't quite remember what made me think about it but I still like the whole shape and meaning of it. And it still fits me quite well. I'm aiming for some peace of mind, a life that pleases me every second, a place to call home and optionally someone to come home to, I guess. But these are just very theoretical ideas, I don't have any mental projection of what any of them could concretely be like.

Time will probably help building up clearer and more precise images of this all but for now it's just a gorgeous fog around in my head and I'm taking small steps trying not to stumble and fall and doing my best to stay on the right track.

[photo: Sara Quin by Kinnie, 2002?]