I'm a mess

[Uppsala, Sweden - 2003]

Things go right at work, they're ok at home but still I feel empty. Empty of any will to fight sadness, anger and try to climb back up where light is.

I wish I still knew how to play guitar to let it cry for me, I wish I knew how to play the drums to let the rhythm march my anger away, I wish I was a good writer to actually express how I feel to people, I wish winamp would stop playing sad songs or at least songs that remind me of people I miss so damn much at the moment, I wish I could forget all the broken promises I always hang on to even knowing the ones who once told them have walked away from them all a long time ago, I wish my mobile phone would be of more use than just show me what time it is when I'm not able to sleep at night, I wish I was happy, I wish I could change my mood, I wish I could pretend, I wish I felt like I belong for once in my lifetime, I wish I had a plan to runaway even for a couple hours, I wish I had a reason for all the tears I cried tonight, I wish I was better.

Things seem so simple they get overwhelmingly complicated. I don't know where to look to fix things at the moment, don't know where to find entertainment or comfort. Sometimes I wish someone would drop by and just give me a hug..

"How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive"

[Our Lady Peace - Life]

Empty letters

"I'm writing again
These letters to you aren't much I know
But I'm not sleeping and, you're not here..."

[Finch - Letters To You]

I remember when I first got an internet connection, I would eventually get some "friends" with whom I'd exchange e-mails. Everyday or once a week but on some kinda regular basis. Write about the subject for their website, music, movies, life, randomness or about anything else. Sometimes short notes because there wasn't enough time for the long letters even though those have always been my favourite. Because you get to know more than what the words actually say this way, as the way people write shows a lot and makes you get a more accurate view of them, somehow.

After some time, emails became more rare as I got caught into the chatting habit. It's fascinating at first, how a few words you type can travel all the way around the world in less than a second. You build in a way of conversing without speaking. A brand new communication way right down your fingertips. Making new friends through serious talks, running jokes, both or more. Chatting took over exchanging e-mails fast enough and for a long time, because it felt closer and less formal.

Until a few month ago when a chat friend actually started sending me e-mails. Not the short less than informative kind but the long, well-thought and time-consuming sort. Everyday. Which I honoured with long replies just like in the good old days. And strangely enough, it felt like the best way to communicate then. Because it's actually a very nice way to get to know people.

But best things end fast. Real life takes over and the whole communication is thrown to the background. A scary fact now : I get about 30 e-mails a day, about 40% of it stands as newsletters, 59% as spam [blame me for keeping the same e-mail address for many years], which leaves 1% to real mail. Though I pretty much believe even one percent is exaggerating. Where are all the writers gone to?
> Chatting? Not quite likely as far as I can see.
> Offline? I guess some people can win over the addiction better than I.
> Blogging? Sometimes it seems like blogs are open letters to the world, therefor to the couple of friends that read the entries on a regular basis.

I miss my email buddies, I miss my chat mates but I do hope they're fine whatever they're doing out there wherever they are.

I just proved the blog = open letter to the world theory, didn't I?

I'm a disbeliever

This morning I got up and started my day-off routine. Turned on the computer, ran winamp and pressed play for a random selection. The first three songs that popped out were :

Ryan Adams - The Shadowlands
Ani DiFranco - Soft Shoulder
Ani DiFranco - Done Wrong [Live]

Now let me tell you what's of interest about this [because, yes, there IS a point], here are the lines that are important to me in those particular three songs :

1. The Shadowlands : "Most people never find the love"
2. Soft Shoulder : "and they had barely said hello // and it was time to say goodbye"
3. Done Wrong : "I guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache // here to sing to you about how I been done wrong"

I don't believe in coincidences. So I thought about these three songs the whole day, trying to find a message or some kinda sign in them. Of course I could only come up with some theory saying I'm meant to remain alone for the rest of my existence, which is too depressing to be of any relevance, really. But what else could it be? What or who would be sending me a sign anyway?

I guess I'm thinking too much, once more. But admit this is intriguing, somehow.

I wish I believed in coincidences...

Complaining is a chronical disease

Some people spend their time complaining about random little things most other people don't care about. That hit me at work the other day. There are different kinds of complainers. For example, there's this one person who'll always talk about how unfair the situation is with her co-workers, how she's got to stay longer than the rest, how she can't take her days off when she wants because the one in charge of the schedule got some favourites and whatnot. Some points are valid, but why bother telling this to everyone but the one who could actually change the situation? Why get on everyone's nerves all the time and not change a little things about anything at all?

Then there's this woman always about how her health is failing her, how nothing goes right at her place with her husband and kids and basically how fucked up her life is. But going to the doctor won't ever cross her mind, she won't take a minute to tell her husband how far off the situation drifted or help her children understand what's right or wrong. And she only annoys the one person that has to spend all of her working days with her in a too small office.

Of course, I do complain too, about people not returning my calls, not responding to my text-messages, not commenting on my blog entries, feeling misunderstood in the place supposedly called home, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, about my emotional craving or my internet provider being too slow giving me access to a faster connection. But I also try to come around smiling and joking about things that bother me and I do try to work around with them (most of the time, but I admit there are some domains I lack distance to overlook the situations). That's when you see the woman who's being so annoyed by the health-challenged one come around and actually cherish the few seconds we talk to each other because it gives her a different view on things.

I won't claim to be better than the rest, but at least I try to make things easy on others, make them laugh for silly things or at least smile until they smile back. If everyone gave it a try, even for a short time, this place could be a nicer one to live in. As long as we remain sincere and honest about things, sometimes leave some problems away and enjoy the company of people who actually would care if you weren't such a damn nerve-racking loser.

And yes, I'm just complaining about people who complain. But I do tell those people it won't change the situation to only talk about things in a negative way.

"maybe you don't like your job
maybe you didn't get enough sleep
well, nobody likes their job
nobody got enough sleep
maybe you just had
the worst day of your life
but, you know, there's no escape
and there's no excuse
so just suck up and be nice"

[Ani DiFranco - Pixie]